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Internet and Woodcarving

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  • Internet and Woodcarving

    March 2007, Snared in the Web

    I once read a quotation, “the computer allows you to make mistakes faster than any other invention, with the possible exception of handguns and tequila.” Which brings me to my recent travail. ~ now and then the outside world expands its weak link into Whooping Hollow, whereby I found myself entrapped in the “WEB”.
    During my “working years”, I prided myself in keeping on top of things happening with computers. However, in the few conversations I now risk with the on-coming generation concerning electronic devices; I find that we no longer even speak the same language.
    For instance, my son’s (David and Philip) were helping me with a computer problem involving my wireless network. They were searching for some device, or program or such, when one said to the other, “ping it”.
    My response of, “Quit playing the games and fix the **** thing.” was met with puzzled looks, followed by realization, and finally resulting in gales of laughter. "It is kinda like sonar!" I was informed. Luckily, the sun was over the “yardarm” ~ I was able to “ping” the Tanqueray ~ retreat to the carving porch ~ and contemplate use of the “ walking plank” on my progeny.
    A short while later, I wanted to put a splitter on the incoming line from the HD satellite dish. Watch TV in different rooms. Simple.
    “Un unh! Can’t do that,” I am told by the computer wiseasses….uhhh next generation.
    “Info goes both ways.”
    “Hunh? Info? I’m talking about watching the **** television!”
    “The satellite uses the dish to talk to your television…..and then it talks back.” This incomprehensible answer left me speechless. Then I started to think about it…..what in the hell does the television have to say to the satellite? Worse yet, who else is it talking to? And just what is it telling them?
    My Frien’s, I was really coming to appreciate Lewis Carroll. Is this some modern equivalent of the Walrus:

    'The time has come,' the Walrus said,
    'To talk of many things:
    Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax --
    Of cabbages -- and kings --
    And why the sea is boiling hot --
    And whether pigs have wings.'

    Or is it……nah…………2001 has come and gone……..surely it’s not HAL!!!!
    These tendrils from the outside world definitely needed watching. My retreat from virtual reality was more graphically illustrated recently and quite literally: No
    virtual here!

    caught in web.jpg In what I prefer to call my innocence, Diana prefers idio…well…..uhhh….something that still indicates a faux pas of major magnitude. I decided to do a little research for a woodcarving. The internet is a wonderful place for seeking and finding information. For instance, there are thousands of picture taking enthusiasts out there competing to be recognized as the new “king of the mountain” among wildlife photographers. They are taking close-ups that show every aspect of nature.
    Combine this with the veterinary community who are illustrating their fields of expertise with visual aids, and the woodcarver finds many “go bys” (photos) for their carvings. The dark cloud in this silver lining is that in field of woodcarvings no one is given the “benefit of the doubt”. When usually mundane things, such as the flow direction of hair on the belly of a horse is examined….carvers dad burn well better have it right! Which finally, really brings me ’round about to the subject of my current epistle.

    horse 002.jpg Last spring I started a carving of a rearing stallion. Now, my frien’s, I have been around a lot of horses over what, to my shock, has turned into a long period of time. Where in the heck did those years go? What happened to all the “old folks”? “Whadda ya mean they been replaced? By who?” Uh Oh! Don’t want to go there!
    Anyway, work on the stallion led me to the realization that I had not paid sufficient attention to one-half of the breeding pair of the species being carved! I got down, literally (and virtually), to “that part”. I was unsure about how to complete the carving.
    The anatomy of my concentration is only partially revealed to the average viewer of the equine species. Not having a horse readily available is no longer an obstacle. I went to the fount of modern knowledge. Typed in “horse genital photos”. In my defense, I thought that this scientific terminology would lead me to my goal. Now don’t that sound good? Actually I did not think about it. But, if I had, I would have thought the porno world would be limited to more graphic terminology.
    My reaction of, “Oh sh___ooot! (Well, OK , something physically in close proximity to my current area of interest and more in line with verbiage I expect of the porno world) does not begin to describe what happened. I quickly began to comprehend the enormity of my error, some of which, I have been told by the on-coming generation, could have been lessened with a + sign between the words and using the Latin genitalia. Too late!
    I immediately received several hundred thousand “hits”. And believe me my frien’s, those related to horses could only be described as quite bizarre ~ and of little value to woodcarvers. At least normal ones that is! Why, hell yes, I opened a couple of sites. What harm could a quick look do? Curiosity can be a dangerous thing ~ to humans as well as cats!
    “WOW! I better get the he,,ck outta here!” Being computer wise I took action…….Cntrl/Alt/Del!

    Cougars.jpg I put the stallion aside (still did not have the needed photos). There is always something else on my workbench. I started carving on a couple of cougars, My world returned to normal ~ at least that (based on innocent ignorance?) was my assumption.
    Then Diana came out on the carving porch. When I am carving I tend to concentrate and pay little attention to what is happening in the rest of the world ~ including that directly around me. In other words, I pretty well ignored her appearance.
    “Were you searching on the internet this morning?”
    “Unh hunh!”
    “Anything interesting?”
    “Un un,” have you ever noticed how modern humans can still communicate in a form that would have been familiar to cave men?”
    “Are you paying attention?”
    “Unh hunh.” And now I was!
    “What did I just ask you/”
    “Never mind! Were you searching on the internet this morning?”
    You know, my frien’s this question sounded somehow familiar.
    So, I took a quick look around. I was pretty sure that I had not spilled my morning coffee on the keyboard. The computer had been operating when I left it……hadn’t it? So it must be something simple. Something safe. Something that I should have read. Some editorial or something. But, the smartest answer to a question from the other half of the species is to follow that old computer adviso “KISS”….Keep It Simple Stupid.
    “Not for long. Not much on the woodcarving forum.”.
    “Nothing else?”
    “Took a quick look at the news but it was just the same old ‘doom and gloom’.”
    “Nothing else?”
    The realization that something deeper was under discussion finally broke through. I quit carving and gave her my real attention.
    “Are you sure?”
    Where ever this was going it wasn’t going to be simple ~ I thought for a minute, “Oh yeah, I tried to find some photos to use in carving the stallion. No luck though.”
    “Just horse pictures?”
    “Yep”, confidence level starts back up and my thoughts are returning to carving the cougars.
    “What exactly did you type in there?”
    Luckily I had quit carving, was paying attention, and had observed the serious nature of the inquisitor. The line of questioning and tone led me to recall an observation by my brother (Richard) some years ago, “You can tell that God used a rib and not the male funny bone when he made Eve.” Unfortunately, for Richard, the wisdom of the statement was illustrated by its reception on the part of his wife (Martha).
    My response, “I was looking for pictures of horse ~ at this point I had intended to insert some decidedly unscientific terminology” ~ which now did not seem to be a good idea!! Finishing the statement with “….es to finish the carving” failed to satisfy this modern descendent of Eve.
    “What exactly did you type?”
    We’re getting close to the core of the issue ~ whatever it is. “Something like, photos of horse genitals” Uh Oh! The light dawns; but, it’s shining through fog.
    “Get your pictures?”
    The cloud is moving away. “No! You would not believe some of the things that showed up there”.
    “Yeah, I would believe it.”
    Sometimes a person (usually a child or male) is compelled to ask that most dangerous of questions, “Why?” But, it did dispel the fog and let the sun shine in!
    We have over a hundred messages in our email and all of them are from porno sites!”
    Well frien’s, my consolation is that I’m not exactly banned from the computer although the “parental lock” is causing some inconvenience in my searching.
    Forget that stallion he may become a gelding anyway! The cougar carving is more interesting anyhow!
    And this is only one example of the inconveniences of modern life that makes me happy to live back here at the end of the world. Life in Whooping Hollow has returned to its normally peaceful pace and it is time to end this epistle from Paul
    Last edited by Paul_Guraedy; 07-29-2018, 10:56 AM.

  • #2
    Thanks Paul, for your observations about the "information highway." Many of us are coming to the realization that it is a mixed blessing, making vast amounts of information available, but exposing us to highway bandits with ulterior motives.


    • #3
      Computers are time machines. They can take a job that took days and do it in seconds... or a job that took seconds and make it take days.



      • #4
        There are lessons in that chronicle. Well written and thank you.

        I don't think to employ the diverse applications that are considered so commonplace these days. Things I'd never imagine to do!
        My kids read menus and order food to pick up. They tap & pay at parking meters. I can manage a debit card at the grocery store.

        Electrician expected to haul new wire in a partially suspended basement ceiling, 2/3 of the length of the house.
        Put his arm up into a little hole with his iPhone camera and took a bunch of pictures of what he could not see directly!
        Brian T


        • #5
          Paul, another interesting read. My wife's' computer skill is limited to her iPad. I know the surprise of some of those inquiries for info.
          . . .JoeB


          • #6
            God love ya Paul! I am sure Diana had a great chuckle out of that "faux pas", as am I. I would advise just asking some friend that has a horse to take some pictures for you, of the appropriate areas. Good luck, but I'm not volunteering to take pictures of a cougar's neather regions, they have claws you know!

            Before they slip me over the standing part of the fore sheet, let them pipe: "Up Spirits" one more time.


            • #7
              Good one, Paul! The internet has it's pitfalls and unintended consequences, a curse as well as a blessing.

              Keep the stories coming, they're always a good read!


              • #8
                I'll have to remember that "+" thingy.